Behind the mask
by Jero-chama
Summary: Orihara Izaya, hated by many, and claimed he loved humans but deep down behind the mask he carries, lies a secret longing to be loved. Eventual Shizaya. Crappy summary, first fic ever! Please R&R!
1. Chapter 1

**Hey guys this is my first ever fanfic that I had ever posted! Hope you guys can review and at the same time give me some view on how to improve! Do note that my English is not perfect and that there probably some grammar mistakes so please do watch out! Thanks and hope you would enjoy this story!**

I've always wondered. How is it like to be cared for. To be loved. Not that I think I actually deserve it, I just thought. How nice would it be to have someone treat you like as if you are the most precious in the world.

I've never actually received any love from my parents. The reason I was born, was actually so I could donate a part of my lungs to my older brother. My older brother Psyche was born with a rare disease that caused part of his lung to malfunction.

The doctor told my parents at that time that if there isn't anyone suitable to donate his or her lung to Psyche, he wouldn't had much more to live. Driven to desperation at that time, my parents decided to give birth to another child. So that they could get the lung from him and give it to Psyche. So he could live.

And so, that was how my existence came about. After I had donated part of my lungs to Psyche and gradually he recovered. You could say that my reason for being born was gone.

In my parents' eyes. I was no more than a tool to help Psyche recover. After the task that was given to be at birth was accomplished. I was practically worthless in their eyes.

Sure, they continue to look after me. Giving me food, clothes, an education and a roof over my head. Those were what a parent was supposed to provide for a child. However, that was words were ever spoken between me and my parents. Even though Psyche was only a year older than me, they gave him the best they ever could to him. The best food, the best clothing, best education and the love they gave to I got from them were just leftovers. In their eyes, I was always the one in the wrong. No matter how many times I top my class in studies. They never did once looked at me.

All they ever saw was Psyche. I was nothing compared to him.


	2. Chapter 2

As a child, I never did understand the reason for my parents' treatment towards me. That is until, I overheard a conversation between them one day.

"Psyche's teacher called me the other day. Saying that the application that we applied for the course that was intended for Psyche was rejected..."

Now that sounds familliar, I remembered overhearing the teacher talking about it. Wanting to get closer, I opened the sliding door slightly and watched them.

Dad, who was reading the papers at the time looked up to his wife and paused for a moment and asked why. She paused for a moment and replied back, "Apparently there was a younger student that scored better than him and the school decided to let that student attend the course instead..."

Dad was about to return to his previous activity when his wife continued.

"But apparently the younger student who scored higher is Izaya" she stated coldly. Dad stopped in his tracks and raised a brow. "You mean Izaya scored better than Psyche?" Mom remained silent.

I thought, if only you did bother to look at my result slip, maybe you would realize that fact.

"This is ridiculous." I hear dad say as his fold his newspaper. "Why should the replacement do better than Psyche?"

That's it. That's when I heard what my parents call me.

"Exactly. The only reason why we gave birth to that boy was so we could give Psyche his lung..."

My heart froze. The reason for my birth was so that I could give Psyche my lung My hand subconciously traced to my abdomen and the fact that I have one less lung than everyone else was still processing."

Anyway, we can't let Izaya attend the course. It will reflect badly on Psyche." Dad continued. Mom nodded in response and a few days later dad summoned me. I have no idea if I should be happy that dad is finally willing to speak to me or to be sad as I know very well what our conversation topic would be.

As I expected. Mom called the school and told them that I would not be attending the course. Dad told be that from now on I am not allowed to score higher in tests or whatever than Psyche. And he don't care how I did it. Be it purposely leaving questions blank or by not studying. Bottom line, whatever Psyche do not have, I do not have the right to have it too.

At first, Psyche was confused at how our parents were treating me. At times when our parents are not around, he would play with me. I would do the same to him. After all, he is the reason of my existence. But deep down, I harbored this jealousy and hatred for him. Why? Even though I was the younger one, I was smarter. I ran faster than him even with a lung less. Whatever he could do, I could do it even better.

But still, no matter what, the one everyone loved would always be him. The one receiving all the love and attention from dad and mom would always be him. I am no more than a replacement and a shadow. But I know, no matter how much I hate him, he is my older brother. He probably had no idea that he was so sick at birth that he needed a lung transplant. He probably had no idea that I was born for him.

How could I hate him like that? He is clueless about everything. He does not deserve any hatred from me.

And then one day, mom caught me and Psyche sleeping together after one of our play sessions. And needless to say, she wak furious. After that incident, she banned me from trying to play with him. And told Psyche to never talk to me. Psyche was confused at mom's actions but still obeyed her.

Even after all that, Psyche still smiled at me whenever we walked passed each other at home or in school. But as time passed, Psyche stopped all that. He is starting to act like mom and dad. Ignoring and acting like as if I don't exist. Rolling his eyes whenever our eyes met.

As years go by, I started to read up books on the human mind. Learning how to read people's emotions and thought. I wanted to know what was everyone thinking when they speak to me. I wanted to know if they are lying or not.

And as I witness the different emotions from different people. I started to be more interested in these humans. I wanted to know more about them. They are so fascinating.

Little did I know, that by observing different people and interacting with them was actually just an excuse to escape my loneliness.

**I hoped you guys enjoyed this chapter! ^^ And I hope it isn't too bad x_X I tried to make the chapter longer and please do look forward to the next chapter! Please review! Thanks :)**


	3. Chapter 3

Over the years, I had leaned how to grow numb against all the harsh treatment towards me from my family. I had learned how to built the ultimate mask to hide my true self.

As dad forbidded me from speaking at home, since young, I found it hard to voice out my own opinion. As if people would scold me for speaking when I'm not supposed to. And that has led to me speaking stuff that I do not mean. And soon, I was making enemies with people by making insensitive remarks and provoking them. I ended up lying to protect my self and soon, that was the mask I created.

I really tried. On the outside, I was the arrogant and fearless Orihara Izaya. But on the inside, lies a part of me which no one but me know. The part that caused me to cry every night from the treatment I receive at home. I tried to ignore it all and treat it as nothing. But why does it seemed so hard?

Whenever dad said a nasty remark about me, I acted like I didn't care what that old man say. But once I went back to my room. The strings snapped. All of the tears started to flow out uncontrollably. However that did not helped in stopping this weird pain in my heart.

And that is when I started to cut myself. At times, the physical pain from the cuts would overshadow the emotional pain in my heart. And if it doesn't work, I would cut deeper. Deep enough till the pain overpowers my emotions. And ever since, I never wore any short sleeves clothes regardless of the weather.

Years go by and now it's finally time for me to enroll in high school. Seeing how as there is this new private school called Raira academy. With my grades, it's going to be a piece of cake enrolling into the school. Now the problem is Psyche. Our parents had decided that they want Psyche to transfer to Raira as it had better aspects for his future.

Remembering I have to score lower than Psyche for the entry exam, I actually doubt that Psyche won't even make it. However, I went though the exam leaving blanks on purpose but still did enough for me to pass. In the end, Psyche did pass and needless to say I did too.

The first day of school was interesting. After finding and setting in to the spot which I found comfortable to observe my beloved humans, I receive a text from one of my few friends called Shinra to meet him in the roof after school. He wanted to introduce another friend to me.

Another friend huh... Interesting. Now, the only few friends I got was Shinra and Kadota whom I call Dotachin. Though I considered them as my 'friend', none of them knew about the real me. They only know me for my outer personality. They no nothing about me inside. And of course, I have no intention of letting anyone know about it. In fact, no one is to know. No one is to know of my weakness.

That is when I first met him. The day my eyes met with those furious mocha orbs. The day I met Shizuo. I was so fascinated in him. Curious about where that inhuman strength of his came from. And most importantly, unlike other humans, Shizuo is the only one whom I can't read and manipulate. He is just so unpredictable. And that is what I hated most about him. Being unable to read him, being unable to manipulate him. Almost making me vulnerable against a monster like him. However, I will never give in. And that is when our game of cat chasing mouse started.

Just like everyone else, he hated me. Not that I can blame him. Soon our fights became so frequent that everyday without fail Shizuo would come chasing after me in school. And as always, I would do my best to taunt and provoke him. It is just too fun! Though our fights might be a little dangerous, at least it beats going back to that place... That place people call home.

**Finally uploaded chapter 3! Sorry it couldn't be any longer D8 I hope you enjoyed this chapter and please do look forward to the next chapter! Please review!**


	4. Chapter 4

What is this feeling? My head hurts.. My entire body feels heavy.. I can feel my forehead burning.. Ah, that's right. I must have fallen sick...

I tried to sit up, but regretted my decision immediately as a strong wave of dizziness took over my head. I glanced at the table clock beside me. 7am. The perfect time for me to start getting ready for school. I tried my best to walk to the toilet but I couldn't even stand still, much less walk. I went back to my bed and lied down, thinking of what I should do.

I could skip school, but dad would kill me. He insists that I attend school everyday as the fees to Raira Academy was expensive. I sighed. Guess there was no other way then. I turned to the side drawer on my right and took out a box containing different types of medicines. I took out the medicine for fever and popped them into my mouth. I hope it would help subside my fever... Even if the effect isn't inmediate, I wanted to get well soon. Being sick doesn't feel good...

Especially if you know there isn't going to be anyone to care for you.

I rested for about 5 minutes before getting up again. Ah it seems that even resting for 5 mins helps. I don't feel that giddy anymore and I find myself able to walk and stand properly. I walked to the bathroom and washed up before changing up. I packed my bags and walked downstairs.

Downstairs I see Psyche getting all ready while munching on a sandwich that most probably was made by mom. I never got all that from mom before. She never made any sort of breakfast for me before. I gave a silent sigh and walked to the door, preparing my shoes. After wearing my shoes, I turned my head behind to give a soft "Bye mom, bye dad" but I know very well that I would be ignored. No matter how loud I said it, they would always ignore me. Acting like I don't exist. I gave them a short glance before heading out to school.

The journey to school seemed longer than usual. The sun seemed to be glaring down at me and I feel my body getting heavier as I walked. Fortunately, I reached school before I could feel the giddiness taking over me. Now... The only thing on my mind is to safety walk to class before a certain protozoan spots m-

"IIIIZZZZZAAAAYYAAAAAA-!"

Damn.

Trying my best not to look weak and tired, I forced myself to give my usual smirk as I turned around to greet Shizuo.

"Why hello there Shizu-chan~ So nice to see you so loud in the morning~" I said with my usual sacarstic tone.

"Shut it flea! Did anyone tell you that they hate that stupid face of yours?"

"Yeah yeah Shizu-chan~" Even though that comment upsetted me, all I wanted is to just end this stupid conversation and get it all over and done with.

Just then, Shinra skipped along after spotting me and Shizuo and joined in the conversation. "Good morning everyone~~~~!"

Damn, why do everyone just had to waste my time?"

Ah morning Shinra, though I would love to really continue chatting with you buttt I really have to go~ Teacher is calling me~~" I lied, hoping to end all of this soon. I could already feel my legs betraying me as time goes by.

"Ah is that so? Then I guess I will catch up with you later Izaya~" Shinra said with a smile. I could feel a burden being let off when Shinra said that. Finally I could leave! And without further ado, I quickly ran to the roof, the only place in the entire school in which I could truly be alone. Normally students do not have access to the roof and they are not allowed to enter it. However with my connections, getting the spare key was not a hard thing to accomplish.

"Say... Izaya looked really pale right? I wonder if he is alright..." Shinra remarked. "Like as if a flea like him would fall sick! And even if he did, he deserved it!" Shizuo spat. Shinra just shrugged his shoulders. Shizuo thought, "Just now Izaya was obviously lying about meeting a teacher.. So why was he in a rush? I bet he is planning something again... I better go find him." as he sped off.

Even though it was just a few minutes, I felt that I was asleep for a long time. I used my bag as a cushion and laid down under the shade. Then, I reached out for my pocket and took out a packet of pills and popped them into my mouth. Hoping I could get better faster. Just then, I was startled by the loud banging on the door.

"Hey flea! You're in there right?!"

I froze, how did he know that I was hiding in the roof?

"Looks like I was right, you were lying! What are you planning now?! Come out flea!" Shizuo roared.

Damn, just when I thought I could have my peace. I remained silent so as to make him believe that I was not here. So that he could just hurry go and leave me alone.

However, to my surprise, he knocked down the door and I immediately kept the medicine and stood up, acting as if I was perfectly fine.

"There, I knew you would be here damn flea. What are you planning now?" his eyes narrowed.

I just merely shrugged my shoulders and trying my best to speak in a normal voice, "Nothing Shizu-chan, can't I just skip class when I feel like it? Aren't you doing the same now?" I gave a smirk.

Hurry... Hurry leave. Damn it, why do Shizu Chan always have to find me at these points?

Shizuo walked towards me and I slipped my hand into my pocket, grabbing my switch blade, just in case. He then lifted his hand up and for a moment I thought he wanted to hit me so I took out my switch blade and pointed up to him. However, he did not seemed to be bothered by it and he seemed to be observing me

...what?

"Your arms and legs are shaking Flea."

My eyes widen as I took a moment to realise it myself. Guess I was too weak to even support myself huh? I could feel my body betraying me but I would stand strong. I would absolutely not reveal my weak side to him.

However, in the end. My body wouldn't listen to me, I dropped my switch blade and I could see my eyes blacking out.

"F-Flea?!"

How pathetic... For me to fall infront of my enemy.

**Author's note: Hey guys sorry for the long wait! Lately I've been busy with exams! But I would still try my best to update as regularly as I can! Please enjoy this chapter and please do review! Thanks!**


	5. Author's note (Important)

Hey guys sorry this couldn't be a new chapter. I just wanted to point out some things. Firstly, I would like to thank all of the reviewers and those who followed/favourite my fic. This definitely was a great encouragement espcially since this was my first fic.

Secondly, as some people like InsomniaticFrenchToast and a guest who reviewed, helped me to point out some mistakes in the fic. In the first chapter, I said that Psyche needed a liver transplant but in the subsequent chapters somehow it changed into the lung. And they had also pointed out for me that without a liver/lung one would just simply die.

In my original plan, I wanted to use the lung as the organ that needed a transplant but somehow along the road I got it mixed up with the liver. And I know perfectly that one could not survive without a lung but hold your horses here, that is one crucial point that is related to the upcoming chapters that I am going to post and well since this is fanFICTION, I don't see why I can't make the impossible become the possible. With reasons of course. Hope this clarified some doubts and questions.

Lastly, I'm going to reedit the whole story and this experience made me realise some of my mistakes and this is why... Listening to some of the advice given by the reviewers, I am looking for a beta reader! So for those who don't mind helping, please PM me :) And I hope you guys would continue to read this story as I would try my best to improve my writing skills for this story :) See ya on the next chapter ^^

~Jero-Chama~


	6. Chapter 5

**Author's note: Sorry guys for the late update! TAT Was kinda stuck writing this chapter. But nevertheless, here is the updated chapter 5! Hopefully I didn't write too badly! D: Please forgive me if you spot any grammatical mistakes! And once again thanks for reading and please do review! I want to know what you guys think! **

**Thanks! :3**

* * *

"Everything is going to be fine Izaya..."

A dark figure bent down to kiss Izaya's forehead and it slowly stroke his hair.

"W-Who...?"

It was too dark to see who the person was, but it was the first time... Izaya felt, loved. The gentle voice and hands...

Just then, those gentle hands left him and the figure slowly disappeared.

"NO-! Don't leave!"

* * *

I woke up suddenly, sweating and feeling very weak. A dream huh..? I looked around then to realise that I'm in the school infirmary. Huh... What happened? I sat up and immediately my head felt like its spinning.

"Hey, get back down!" a low voice commanded which shook me. I didn't even notice there was someone... Beside me.

I tuned around, hoping it was dad or something but..."

Ah. Shizu-chan"Damn, why is that monster here? Here to laugh at my weakness? Tch. "What are you doing here Shizu-chan?" I asked, with a hint of my usual sacarstic tone despite my weak body.

"Pfft, like I want to be here louse! You just suddenly fainted on me and when I brought you here the nurse thought that I did this to you and ordered me to stay here with you until you wake up!"

It then suddenly hit me, oh yeah, I fainted right in-front of the damn monster!

Just then, a coughing fit suddenly striked me and I coughed heavily and violently. Damn, I must had caught the cough too... Now I can't hide my sickness anymore.

"You okay flea?" Shizuo asked, with fake concern. Damn, I don't need him to pity me!

"Learn to mind your own business yeah? Shizu-chan." I said as I sat up and got off the bed. I then took out the bottle of fever medicine from my pocket and shoved a few down my throat. Better eat more, the more I eat, the faster I would recover right?

Just then Shinra came in to the room. Great, what timing.

"Ah Izaya-kun! You woke up already! I was really shocked to hear that you actually fainted from a fever! Are you okay?" he asked.

Tch, everyone of them, seeing me like this."I'm feeling better of course Shinra~! An ordinary fever like this wouldn't keep me down~!" I said with a fake but convincing smile.

Shinra looked like he wanted to say something to retort me but in the end he just smiled, "Is that so Izaya-kun? Then I guess I would see you in school?" I wanted to ask him what he wanted to say but decided not to and smiled back, "Yeah of course!"

And just like that, as my fever enabled my body unsuitable to continue any school activities, I was granted permission to go home early to rest. Of course. I didn't go home. Going home early would be unusual and I can't let them know I am sick. It would just show them even more... How weak and pathetic I am. So, for the rest of the day I visited the only place in this city, Ikebukuro which I felt the most comfortable at. The roof of Sunshine 60.

Standing at the top of the highest building in Ikebukuro and looking down at humans like that made me feel like a god. A god that is untouchable by mere human beings. It made me feel like all of my weakness was gone.

Yet- at times when I stood at the ledge, it made me wonder, how simple it is just to end one's life. All you need is just to take another step forward and all of one's unhappiness would be eliminated, for eternity.

Whenever I came here, thoughts like these would always flood my head but at the end of the day, I thought. Why am I hesitating? What is holding me back?

Maybe... I'm somehow waiting. Waiting for that special person. That special person to shower me with all their love. To treat me like their precious.

I almost laughed at myself for having nonsensical thoughts like these. Of course, no way would that ever happen. This is reality, not some fairy tale in which everyone would get their happy ending.

There are no such thing as a happy ending.

Just then I realised the sun setting. I looked at my watch and it reads 6:45 pm. Looks like it is time to leave for that place. The journey seemed fast even though it takes around 45 mins by foot. Though the people in that house did nothing but deny my existence, somehow... I wanted to see them today.

* * *

When I reached home, just as expected. Everyone started on dinner without me anyway. Well it is not like they left an empty spot and chair on the dining table. I walked straight into the kitchen and found nothing left but a mere amount of plain rice left. I took whatever is left and went straight up into my room. Well not that I mind, I do not feel well today and hence I don't have any appetite.

Feeling my fever kicking in again, I took out my medicine and popped the pills into my mouth again. After swallowing the medicine, I laid down on my bed and looked to my right. I wonder what it is like. Like in those television shows. Where the mother would make some porridge and feed her sick child and then feed him his medicine. And while he is asleep she would stay by his side. The entire time.

Why does being sick... Somehow made me feel... Lonelier than usual?


End file.
